Another terrible night – what a surprise – when do I say anything else??? I spent a couple of hours on the sofa in desperation as it was scream or feed constantly (and I mean CONSTANTLY! lol) Teeth? Growth spurt? An emotional need? All very important but on the other hand I do need more than 2 hours sleep in snatches every night in order to be the mother I want to be. She had some painkiller at one point and did then go off for an hour or so which makes me wonder if it is teeth. Not sure. We’ll survive. We survived with Alfie (who slept from 6pm-7.45am lol I couldn’t have believed it was possible when he was Holly’s age and keeping us up all night!). They grow so fast. I guess we should treasure every moment of them needing us so much. Although when I kept thinking Alfie’s teddy was a cat I knew things were bad – and I won’t mention putting the teabag in the dishwasher instead of the composter 
Anyway, we popped into Sutton this morning to get a load of stuff from Wilko and do some bank errands. Nanny and Grandad met us there and we went for coffee and toast.
Back home we made some gingerbread men, played dens, did a few chores and read some books.
Today I had one of those “despair” moments, fuelled by hallucinatory exhaustion. The house just seemed filthy, the garden a mess with a lawn well beyond needing a mow, stuff was everywhere, I had a dishwasher to empty, wet and dry washing to sort, Alfie’s bed to make up after he’d weed all through the duvet/sheet/covers, a picnic for tomorrow to make and myriad other chores needing doing. The children had pulled cushions off the chairs and strewn toys everywhere. I’d had to tramp the streets to get Holly to go off for a nap. Yada yada! Then I realised that none of it matters. I have the 2 most wonderful children in the world. I have so many wonderful people in my life. I am bringing them up in a way at odds with the majority but I know it’s the right way. They are attached, happy, lead full lives ripe with opportunity. They are not being sent away to little prisons with most of the other children their age round here. I am so blessed to have this opportunity. What does a bit of mess matter really. There will be years to clear up mess and have a perfect home and garden once they are grown up (and if there aren’t years then I won’t know or care anyway!). I said to Rich, “A home with children should be messy, chaotic and a bit shabby” to which he replied, “Ours is perfect then!” And it is.
